"when I think of those decades of pain, how I must be one of the tough cases... a hard headed misbehaving child... in the hands of an angry God... but then I remember the most loving light I met in my NDE"
I wonder, as I read how you interpret your experiences in life, if some of your misfortunes were self imposed, I am not talking about karma or anything like that. Do we through feeling of guilt, whether misplaced or deserving, impose experiences on our selves? I have observed that people who are not, shall we say, overburdened with conscience, always land on their feet, while those who are filled with contrition usually have many bad experiences. Could this be the reason why substitutionary sacrifice, and the use of symbols like the scapegoat became such a major theme in judaism and most other religion? Do you see any value in rituals like this?
I am glad that you have found a god that you can live with now.